Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
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I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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