sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
