she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
