just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
