well I can't set my house on fire every night
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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