I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
