You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
