One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
