I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
