im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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