dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
