Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
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She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
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Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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