I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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