My nipple is on Facebook.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
