toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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