my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
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Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
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