Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
