I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
