I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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