; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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