I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
