Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
