just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
