She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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