Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
