so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
