??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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