apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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