I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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