areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
