how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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