PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
