So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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