Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
