My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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