I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
