I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
