I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
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apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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