At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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