Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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