It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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