Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My bed smells like the plague
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