youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
