i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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