i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
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Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.