Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.