how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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