omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
