it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
