i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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