I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
