I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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