I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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