The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
