I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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